SEX FOR LIFE TOO
OVERALL RATING:
86 Mins.
DIRECTOR: The Timlake Brothers
Xplor Media
THEMES: Fuck if I know
CONDOMS: Some Noted
1999
STARS: Sylvia Saint, Erica Bella, Taylor St. Claire, Ian Daniels
REVIEW:
It isn’t often I read a lot of pre-release hype on a porn video. After all, seventy five percent of the time no one can give us a ballpark release date, let alone plan ahead enough to actually generate any kind of buzz. Unsure just what to think of the latest creation from the Timlake Brothers, I decided I had better heed the warning on the box and take this movie seriously. After all, any porn that claims that my ‘life depends on it’ must be important smut. From the moments the credits roll, it’s clear we’re in for an unusual ride. In fact, before the credits actually end, I am already struggling to find out exactly what the fuck is going on here.
Apparently, our hero has got some serious problems. His wife seems hung up on this porn star named Manny. (Ian Daniels) There are some clever little porno parodies going on and the dubbing is intentionally fucked up, showing a degree of creativity not often found in smut these days. Things get violent, yet somehow we move from a deranged guy accidentally beating his wife to death with a phone book, to our first sex scene. The scene itself is between Daniels and Davia and could be an old scene with some new editing thrown on. New or old, this scene gives me a headache within about two minutes. Not because it isn’t good. In fact, Davia is quite eager to please here. However, since I was just too square to drop acid before watching, the psychedelic transitions and editing tricks are more than a little lost on me. One thing I do like so far is the music. It’s rare to hear music in porn that is even worth mentioning, however there are some tunes working here that could have a life off the blue screen. For those wondering why I went from the sex to the music, it’s because things went into full slo-mo mode for Davia’s anal and facial. Artistic maybe, but I’d rather listen to the music.
Our hero next takes out his frustrations on Manny himself, driving an ice pick through his cranium, killing him instantly. How he got onto a porn set in the first place is never addressed. While I’m sure the sight of any porn guy biting the big one will thrill a lot of you, it gives way to some rather funny moments as the crew rushes to replace Ian in a scene with the incredible Sylvia Saint. As she lays back on the couch, I keep waiting for an attack of the editing monster, but none comes as she is eaten. With just plain lighting and regularly normal cuts, Sylvia shows why she is a world class porn star. Sure, there is a little bit of slow motion, and believe me when I say a little bit of this is always too much during sex, but the physical and sexual perfection of this gorgeous creature shines through anyway. Nice vaginal and anal penetration close ups, and as always, Sylvia is beautiful and energetic the whole way through. No facial here, but we do get a somewhat out of focus shot on her perfect boobs. In this instance, the style did not overtake the sex, which is perfect.
I can’t say the same for the next several minutes of the film. I leave it to you good people to try and make sense of this. It seems like some footage was thrown together, given a new dub or some subtitles and hence, a plot is formed. (Perhaps a very sly shot at the industry by the Brothers?) It all leads us to another scene with Ian. It’s actually a four way fuck that is cut quite nicely to the beat of the music. Great if you’re on MTV, but as a sex scene this one is masturbation material for guys suffering from near terminal ADD. Kind of a waste of anal Euro-sluts if you ask me.
Demented casting calls, hairy chicks, alien porn producers and a host of other really weird shit lead to yet another sex scene with Ian. This time, Shayla LaVeaux mounts him and starts fucking. This time the music and background noise is a bit distracting, but the sex is pretty hot, so you might want to turn the volume down a bit and just enjoy this awesome woman as she gets royally rammed. The hot little blonde gives us the best popshot of the movie so far.
After nearly two hours of this, what do we have? A plot that was never supposed to make sense. A ton of interesting and creative editing tricks that may thrill and delight you, but could also leave you running for a barf bag faster than ‘Blair Witch Project’ after you’ve eaten one of those six day old theater hot dogs. You know, there really is nothing normal about this movie. Of course, there is nothing remotely coherent either. I am torn between the desire to hail it as some new art form, or pan it for having only two really worth while sex scenes. Maybe I should just go with the flow and do both. I promise you, you will not see another porn vid like this one all year. So, give it a look, enjoy Sylvia and Shayla and see if you can figure out what the hell Sex For Life Too is all about. (And as a side note, it’s still a hundred times better than that piece of shit Zazel.)