ASS ARTIST

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OVERALL RATING: 0
93 Mins.
DIRECTOR: Chimera Chast
Seduction Productions
THEMES: Freak Show.
CONDOMS: Not a One.
1999 (2/99)
STARS: Mila, Alyssa Allure, Meridian, Candy Vegas, David Steel, Chris Cannon, Brian Shurewood.
REVIEW:
I know what you?re asking. Since I have been so hard on Mila in the past, why would I even watch this movie? Well, dear readers, I care about you. Mila is very proud of this film and seems to think it?s the greatest thing in porn history. If she is right, I know you would want me to watch it and steer you right towards this epic piece of anal brilliance. On the other hand, there is always a chance it will totally suck ass. You didn?t think I was going to pass up a chance to add a little color commentary to this potential freak show, did you? Besides, wouldn?t it be cool if I had to totally eat my words and praise Mila for an erotic masterpiece? Then again, I might just end up yacking my dinner up all over my keyboard and you wouldn?t want to miss that would you?
Candy Vegas has to find Mila a place where she can do her art in peace. The first place she looks at it is perfect, but a bit pricey, but fear not. Any assistant of Mila?s is bound to know that the best way to get what you want is to get down on your knees and suck any dick that is attached to a guy who can help you with your endeavor. Though a bit past whatever prime she may have had, Candy does know that her best chance at keeping her job lies in her ability to accept a hard cock in her mouth, between her tits, thighs and eventually even the cheeks of her ass. I don?t know the going rate on aging hookers, but she negotiates a full month off the rent by offering that puckered pussy. He ends up not even going up the ass, but instead drops a load on her face. The bad news? This is a pretty dreadful scene. The good news? Mila is not to blame for the total lack of sexual heat.
Mila is thrilled by her new place and brings gal pal Alyssa Allure over to check it out. Quick question, when did Mila begin channeling the spirit of Robert fucking DeNiro? Every third fucking word is ?fucking.? Fucking bloody fucking Hell Mila, wash that fucking mouth out with fucking soap. The women break the new place in the only way they know how, by fucking each other with the biggest sex toys in creation. All kidding aside, these two women clearly love working together. Mila and Alyssa suck each other?s pussies like they truly love it. Fuck, fake, on screen lipstick lesbian stuff, these two chicks make mad, violent, bull-dyke love. With a dildo in her hand Mila, looks like she could do some serious damage to a woman. She goes after Alyssa?s poor pussy like OJ on a rampage, but rather than becoming a human Pez dispenser, Alyssa is sent into fits of carnal combustion. Not wanting her own pussy to feel lonely, Mila grabs the handle of her own dildo and plunges in into he gaping gash. Side note- For anyone wondering what happened to the bat Mark McGwire hit home run number 62 with last year wound up, the mystery has been solved. (Good thing Mac keeps his hands way at the end of the bat, because there is no room left to choke up once Mila?s pussy is done inhaling the length of this pole.) These two let it all hang out, sharing both ends of a double headed dildo.
At long last, it?s time for Mila to create her art. She kicks Alyssa out and readies herself. With her trusty Louisville labia plugger, Mila stuffs her slit until she explodes a fountain of urine all over herself. (And exactly who decided that was at all sexy?) That done, she fills some enema bags with paint and prepares herself with all the intensity of a world class athlete about to embark on a medal winning performance. (Assuming they give medals for firing streams of paint out one?s rectum.) How do I begin to describe the way she gets the paint from her bowels to the wall? Projectile diarrhea would be one way, but personally, I can?t shake the image of Jedd Clampet shotgunning the ground outside of his shack. (Black gold, Texas Tea.) My friends this is not for the squeamish. After firing rockets of color onto the wall, she uses her exposed colon to smear the paint. With all due respect, I have a few questions for Mila or anyone else who might care to answer them. First, how does one discover this talent? I mean, most of us come upon our areas of acumen through trail and error. We light someone up for a triple double on the playground, or we find the piano painfully easy to learn. Just what was Mila trying to do when she discovered she could shoot paint from her ass? Was she looking for some new and exciting way to blow out the candles on her birthday cake? Second, does anyone actually find this sexy? I mean, I?m a pretty liberal guy when it comes to what turns folks on, but honestly, what how does this assist one when it comes time to wank the Willie? Don?t we usually stroke to the images of women who possess the qualities we lust after, long legs, big tits, thick lips, whatever. Are there really guys looking for a woman who can wash and wax their cars using just her colon? Third, when it comes to rectal expulsion, is distance or accuracy the pinnacle of mastery? Finally, is anyone else wondering what this work of art is going to smell like?
Candy is back, helping keep the electrician busy. What is it about being in this apartment that makes this woman so damn horny? She finds his long, black cock to be a work of art that must be tasted in order for it to be fully enjoyed. He gives her squeezably soft boobs a bit of fucking before slipping it into her loose labes. Lucky for them both, this guy is packing some serious meat because she clearly needs something with some girth. He leaves his own work of art on her chest, firing not quite as far as Mila.
A couple of potential buyers, Meridian and Brian Shurewood come by to look at her painting. She wants the painting, but has to do a little persuading to get hubby to open his wallet. Meridian isn?t a stunner by any means, but she does a very nice job sucking his fat cock. For a five thousand dollar painting, the bottom heavy brunette has to do more than just suck his dick and take it between her big tits. Nice for Brian, but Meridian doesn?t look nearly as good fucking as she did sucking. Brian fucks her mish until her soft belly shakes as much as her boobs. Then she goes to he knees where his hard strokes make generous, jiggling Jell-O molds of her cheeks. Risking grave injury, he lets her get on top and start riding. I don?t know about you, but I think if Meridian really wanted the painting, she should have just sat on him until he agreed to buy it. In a case of sex imitating art, Brian squirts his penile paint onto her cumstreaked canvas of a face.
Interestingly enough, Mila doesn?t even fuck a guy in this movie. She is a lesbian scene with Alyssa Allure that is, by far, the best scene in this movie. Candy Vegas is over the hill on her best day and the make up and lighting did little to soften the effects of what appears to be sixty hard years crammed into her thirty plus actual years. Meridian?s blowjob is nice, but she seriously needs to hit the gym a bit. Careful guys, if you get motion sick, you might want to turn your head before her whole body gets going. So, the actual sex is pretty dismal. (Any time a g/g scene is my personal highlight, that?s a bad sign.) What about the actual ass art? I don?t know, a chick firing paint out of her rectum and onto a wall, then using her distended colon to smear it around. (I can feel you all cringing, it?s like fingernails on a freaking blackboard.) Is it art? That?s for art critics to decide. Is it porn? I guess that?s my job. It?s certainly sick enough to be porn, the question I have to ask is, is it sexy? Not from where I stand, and I just want to make sure I stand well out of the way of Mila and her squirting anal art.

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