World’s Oldest Gang Bang
MOVIE TYPE: Gang Bang
70 Mins.
Amazing
www.MetroXXX.com
DIRECTOR: Rob Spallone
THEMES: Gang Bang,
CONDOMS: None Noted
2006
6/06
STARS: Crystal Clear, Adam Wood, Alex Gabor, Anita Cannibal, Capt. Bob, Car Lott, Dave Cummings, Don Fernando, Don Hollywood, Gigi, Ginni Lewis, Gerald, Herschel Savage, Howie, Jay Crew, Kathy Jones, Moxie, R. Spring. Ron Jeremy
World’s Oldest Gang BangREVIEW-
It has been a while since we’ve seen anything new from the gang bang side show genre. The last big one I remember was the Sabrina Johnson thing in 2000. Rob Spallone has revived the freak show gang bang idea with a new twist. He’s got a cute young teen, Crystal Clear working with 50 guys all of whom are over 50 years of age. That’s two thousand five hundred years worth of cock plus a few decades. Throw in some grannies, a guest spot on Stern and we have the makings of the next big bang. On the other hand, if there isn’t enough Viagra in Porn Valley to get the promised number of seniors to stick their shriveled schwantzes into Crystal’s young canyon, then we may be in for a train wreck of alt-porn proportions.
On the day of the shoot Crystal and Rob Spallone try to work out the final bugs. Apparently her boyfriend won’t come to the set to fuck her and Rob is quick to rub that in. When they arrive on set some of the other cast members are already getting dirty during the box cover shoot. Ron Jeremy doesn’t seem to be able to keep his dick out of any pussy and Dave Cummings spends some time with Cara Lott. She’s been doing this for more than two decades and uses all of her skills to keep Dave really happy. We get quite a bit of play, but then cut abruptly to Crystal. I guess it’s time for the bang to begin.
As if we needed anything to increase the creepy factor, Ron actually talks about being a bad babysitter while Crystal is lying in a crib. He turns her over to Herschel Savage for the first senior citizen special at the teen pussy buffet. After fucking him for a few minutes, she moves on to Don Hollywood. So far the action is pretty standard. It isn’t like we haven’t seen these guys banging teen chicks before. Ron and Cara double up on young Crystal and she shows absolutely no sign of slowing down. Cara gives Crystal her first taste of strap on cock. It doesn’t go in very deep, but it keeps her warmed up for the next aged meat stick waiting for her fresh stuff. Don Fernando takes his turn and then a woman dressed up like granny gives it a shot. When Crystal starts to slow down, there are other girls there to make sure that the bang never gets quiet. Crystal is pretty vocal as well and that works against her at times because we can easily identify the looped portions of the action.
Cum shots seem to be a challenge for some of these guys and having so few guys certainly doesn’t help. They fill in with shots of sexual action from all over the set. That doesn’t really help because it ends up looking like a Jurassic orgy with very little attention paid to the cute young star. Only a few of the guys actually manage to cum for Crystal even though she’s quite cute and a nasty little thing.
The second disc consists of some trailers, web site ads and a photo gallery. Not much here really and certainly not worth a complete second disc. The BTS is as long as the movie and starts out with the same seven minutes worth of footage. Most of the footage is a lot of thrown-together nonsense. If you sit through the whole thing you might get some interesting interview footage (depending on how interesting you think this stuff is) and plenty of footage of naked, creepy old men.
What can I say? This thing is a train wreck from start to finish. It isn’t even moderately strokeable and the freak factor wears thin after about five minutes. Give Spallone credit for coming up with an idea that at least has people curious. Taking a girl like Crystal who is unquestionably cute and turning her loose with the senior set was a stroke of Barnumesque brilliance. The promised bang still wouldn’t have been much of a stroke fest, but at least it could have been amusing in an “I can’t believe I’m watching this” sort of way. Instead it’s a mess. For some reason they can’t come close to the fifty guys mentioned. I know that in gang bang math 50 doesn’t always mean 50, (In fact, 25 can sometimes equal 620) but I don’t think there are a dozen people fucking Crystal here. The action is pretty lame as well. I always give the gang bang girls a bit of slack because it can’t be that much fun to get poked this way. Crystal has to struggle more than some of the other girls, but even she seems under whelmed by the happenings. Give the editors quite a bit of credit for taking a select few minutes of useable footage and putting them together into something that can at least pass as a porn flick. In truth though this is just horrible. It isn’t even accidentally hot. (Even at her worst, Jasmin was just bitchy enough for us to root for the guys pumping her.) Has Spallone pulled this off, it would have been great background fodder for the frat house or bachelor party. Instead it is a sad waste of time and effort.
