Keeping Up With the Kard-Ass-Ians
Keeping Up With the Kard-Ass-IansMOVIE TYPE: Feature
128 Mins.
Hustler
DIRECTOR: Richard DeMontfort
THEMES: Comedy
2009
4/09
STARS: Missy Stone, Veronica Rayne, Marie McCray, Aiden Star, Dylan Ryder, Nicki Hunter, Danny Mountain, Alex Gonz, Chris Johnson, Mr. Marcus
REVIEW-
This is an interesting topic for a parody. I think I’ve seen a few seconds of the original show and it made me want to shoot myself. How horrible are these people that a show with a bunch of hot chicks aren’t enough to make me want to watch a show? It does make for a good subject for porn though. You have a bunch of vapid publicity whores with no accomplishments to speak off, too much money, not enough brains and all you have to do is add some hard cock for a winning flick. Well, sort of. It is a funny idea with some genuine moments. But then it sort of comes up short. The casting is interesting. Nicki Hunter is great as the horny cougar mom. She fits the part and adds sexual heat during her big scene. It’s the daughters that confuse me. Isn’t one of the Kardashian girls a plus sized model? Missy Stone and Dylan Ryder are fun to watch, but neither of them have that angle covered. (Is that a good thing? I’d kind of like to see a bigger girl have fun in one of these movies.) Missy is fun in her girl/girl scene and Dylan‘s scene has a bit of a twist thanks to a certain sex tape. Veronica Rayne as Kim Kardashian is an interesting pick. She is actually a good actress and plays the part better than I thought possible. She chomps her gum and is appropriately annoying. The good news is that her scene with Marcus is really fun. It is everything that the real Kim tape should have been. It pokes fun at that movie perfectly. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. If the whole movie was this spot on then we would have one of the best parodies on the market. Instead the rest of the movie misses the mark too often. Veronica just doesn’t scream Kim to me. She’s nice looking and does a great job with the acting. But don’t we all know what Kim is famous for? Her great big ass. Veronica has an ass, but one has to wonder if they could have found a girl with more of a Kim look and a serious booty. Veronica was all right, but just think how hot this movie would have been with someone like Kristina Rose in the lead. I liked Veronica for her acting, the casting just didn’t seem right. Couple that with the lack of parody sex appeal in all of the scenes beyond the opener and Nicki‘s first and some really bad, choppy editing and you have a movie that is hit and miss to say the least. At its best this is a solid parody with Nicki tearing it up and Veronica making us all laugh at Kim and Ray. At its worst it is a forgettable movie with bad editing and questionable casting.
Veronica Rayne & Mr. Marcus
I guess they wanted to start out with the big guns. Veronica is chomping gum as she gets ready to go out. Mr. Marcus does his best Ray J impersonation by talking too much, feeding cheesy lines and basically acting like a douche. (Oddly enough I think Marcus is a bigger celebrity than the clown behind the original Kim sex tape.) Veronica does a nice job of being every bit as vapid and over-vamped as Kim was. The action is definitely better than the original tape because it is actually shot well. (Plus, unlike the real thing Marcus shuts up when the sex starts.) Veronica certainly does a better porn scene than Kim, but looks as much like the celebutante as I do. Right in the middle of a rather good blowjob he turns the camera to his face. Yep, it’s still annoying, but at least this time it’s funny. (What ever happened to that contract Vivid was supposed to give to Ray? Guess they sobered up and realized that without Kimmy, dude is as useless to porn as is to live in general without his famous sis.) Good energy as Veronica fucks him, certainly better than we saw from Kim. There is a nice mix of stationary and POV shots as well. Even some of the shots mirror the original material perfectly. The scene is fun and kind of hot with good ass shots and nice close up action on her shaved pussy. The ass shots aren’t great, but they try to play it up like she’s got a Kardashian booty. And they finish up with a facial shot. I have to say, this is a pretty good acting job by Veronica and Marcus. They are just annoying and silly enough to remind me of Kim and Ray. (But they fuck like professionals and he actually knows what to do with a camera.)
Dylan Ryder & Chris Johnson
When Kourtney comes home to find her boyfriend jerking off bit big sister’s sex tape she is understandably upset. He just plays it cool though and soon has her leaning back on the couch so he can make it up to her by eating her out. When he is done there she doesn’t seem to care how his cock got hard so long as it goes into her mouth. They stay in character pretty well here, but mostly it’s a garden variety fuck and suck. Nothing wrong with that of course, but nothing all that special either. Right in the middle of some very loud doggy, Kourtney’s mom just shows up. Nicki Hunter plays mom and she sits nearby with a glass of wine rubbing her panties while her daughter gets tit fucked. When he nuts all over her boobs, Nicki licks it up.
Nicki Hunter & Danny Mountain
Still juiced up from watching the fun, mom attacks the delivery guy. She pulls out her tits and drools all over his hard rod. Nicki looks the part here and is probably the best cast member of the family. They move over to the stairs where she continues to bob her head at breakneck speed. She pushes him back on the steps and grinds her pussy all over that dick. Nicki looks strong these days like she could fuck a whole army of delivery guys. They stay in character really well with Danny playing the surprised delivery guy being devoured and used by the horny cougar. The editing is really bad with horrible choppy cuts that really hurt the action. On the other hand Nicki drops her ass down over his cock and slams her body into his as hard as she can. That’s some pretty good anal action for a feature. He shoots his load all over her face. Hot scene.
Khloe (Box cover has her listed with the wrong character name.) goes into a store to try on some sexy clothes. The cute salesgirl, Marie peeks in on her. They go into a special room with dungeon equipment and a really annoying red light. Is it a hot fantasy that one of the Kardassians is a rug muncher? I suppose it could be. Mostly though this is a scene that works because Missy is hot and Marie is cute. If that’s enough for you then the action isn’t bad. They use the swing, try some interesting toys and have decent energy.
Veronica Rayne, Aiden Starr & Alex Gonz
Kim has a couple of her friends over and Aiden tries her new stripper pole. The girls try their moves and Alex just hangs out and waits fro the sex to being. There are a lot of ass shots of Veronica. Are we supposed to buying into the idea that this is the ass that we all lust after? They eventually share his cock, passing it back and forth between their hungry mouths. The sex here is pretty good with Veronica staying in character and Aiden overdoing the porn whore act. There is a bit of anal from Veronica so you get the whole “up Kim’s ass” fantasy thing going on. The anal action is really good, but when they beg him not to cum in her ass we get an awkward cut to Alex struggling to stay hard as she shoots all over Veronica‘s face. This was a good scene, but the end just kind of sums up the whole movie.
They tack on some solo play and dialog at the end that just doesn’t work. It’s not bad, but why place it after the sex?
Bonus: Trailers, BTS, Slide Show, 2 Bonus Scenes (Veronica Rayne from Creampie Galore and Aiden Starr from Monster Dicks in Young Chicks.)
