Hustler’s Untrue Hollywood Stories: Lindsay Lohan
Hustler’s Untrue Hollywood Stories: Lindsay LohanMOVIE TYPE: Feature
117 Mins.
Hustler
THEMES: Celebrity Sex, Lesbian Sex
2009
STARS: Scarlett Fay, Ron Jeremy, Chris Charming, Dylan Ryan, Jay Lassiter, Nicole Ray, Ralph Long, Rocco Reed, Eden Adams, Sadie Swede,
REVIEW-
Taking the porn parody thing in a slightly different direction, Hustler brings us the untrue story of Lindsay Lohan. Spoofing celebrity sex is nothing knew and we’ve even seen LiLo given the treatment before. (When Penny Flame played Lindsay in Spunk’d) Scarlett Fay stars as Lindsay and she does a nice job. The script is worth quite a few laughs. In just about every interview, Lindsay has a boob hanging out and that’s always funny. She barely gets through her dialog because she’s high, drunk or just ditzy. Dylan Ryan plays Lindsay’s lesbian girlfriend perfectly. So there are some good moments in the script, but not enough of them to make up for the lack of quality sex in the movie. It isn’t bad, but it isn’t memorable either. Scarlett‘s opening scene is pretty decent. Lindsay as Marilyn is kind of a hot idea. The problem is that she pretty much vanishes sexually until the end when she hooks up with Sam. That scene is good and really well paced for a real feeling lesbian awakening. In between we see Paris Hilton fucking, Lindsay’s mom fucking and one of her cute young co-stars fucking. These aren’t bad scenes either, but Nicole Ray is the only who really stands out. I didn’t dislike this movie. In fact Scarlett is a lot of fun and there are cute moments in the script. It just isn’t clever enough to be sexy from start to finish and there isn’t enough great sex to cover the gaps.
Scarlett Fay & Ralph Long
Lindsay poses as Marilyn for her photographer. He lays it on thick and since she wants to be just like her idol, the little pop tart decides to seduce him “just like Marilyn.” For our first scene we get Lindsay as Marilyn adding some additional layers of sexual fun. She works his cock into her mouth, asking if Marilyn liked to deep throat. Scarlett is doing a really good job of playing clueless here (and she looks a bit like Penny Flame). There is nothing blonde about that little red pussy of her. Once it gets warmed up, she lets him slam into her from behind until that pale skin of hers glows pink from the pounding. The action here is very good, but the picture is really washed out and her wig is bad enough to be distracting. I like watching her squat fuck, but the washed out picture is unforgivable. Luckily it doesn’t get in the way of the facial that LiLo takes with an open mouth.
Nicole Ray & Chris Charming
When Lindsay was a teen starlet she was a nightmare on set. She goes nuts on one of her co-stars and the producer has to smooth things over with Nicole by licking her tight teen twat. Nicole returns the favor, showing him how she “got to the top in Hollywood” as her mouth drops around his big dick. Her blowjob is pretty average, but Nicole has a really dirty mouth when she gets fucked. The vocal fucking helps raise the level of heat, but we have seen better from this dirty little blonde. She takes a big load in her mouth and seems happy to have worked it all out with the producer.
Away from her friends in rehab, Lindsay finds fun in a bottle and by herself during an outdoor solo play session. It’s short and the lighting is a bit fucked up. Interesting I guess, but mostly forgettable.
Sadie Swede & Rocco Reed
While Lindsay is in rehab, mom goes after her man. The busty blonde has no trouble getting him to stop thinking about his redheaded girlfriend and start feasting on some big fake cougar tits. His balls fit right into her mouth and she wins him over completely by tongue fucking his ass. OK, now we know where Lindsay gets her filthy side. Used to a skinny little thing Rocco seems to enjoy the wide, built for pleasure hips and ass that mommy provides. Beyond the way it fits into the story, this is pretty much your basic fuck scene. Sadie is nice if you like curvy, soft MILFs and Rocco fucks her pretty hard. It’s a quick scene with Sadie telling him the really wants him to cum just moments before she jerks him off in her hand. She licks up what’s left from her stomach and fingers and then orders him to stay away from her daughter. Way to go mom.
Eden Adams & Jay Lasister
Eden plays Paris (Badly) and Jay plays her greasy Euro-trash boyfriend. They fight over Lindsay, exchange dreadful dialog and then get to fucking. They 69 and this girl looks pretty good with a dick in her mouth. The Paris thing is a stretch so we end up with another run of the mill sex scene with a washed out background. Eden stops in the middle to check herself in the mirror. That’s very Paris of her and it adds about the only thing really interesting during this mostly pedestrian and eye straining fuck. She ends up jerking him off and then bailing.
We have to cover Lindsay’s gay romance with Sam. Dylan looks a whole lot like the creepy DJ in the stupid hat so I suppose that adds something to the mix. Sam gets to go star fucking and Lindsay is shy, scared and ready to take the plunge. They take things really slowly which does add a bit of atmosphere to the event though it makes the thing rather sleepy. If you like lesbian scenes that really do look like a first time effort then you’re going to love this. It makes for a rather weak final scene though. By the time Sam shows her all the things a girl can do with her tongue, fingers and toys, Lindsay is ready to do whatever her quirky gal pal might want. Lindsay goes after Sam with fingers in piledriver. They work through two, three and finally four until Sam pops like crazy.
Bonus: BTS, Hustler Trailers, Slide Show, Commercials
