August 1st was my 3 year anniversary in porn. Three years and still alive, clean, sober, and somewhat sane. What has happened so far in my time in the business is so surreal and unimaginable. My eyes were opened more then the rest of my long life. I came from Russia during the Cold War at the age of 8 went to three colleges, worked in TV and Film and made some cool award winning movies with talented friends. But that has little comparison to what I have experienced and seen the last 36 months of my 432 months alive.

Three years ago I joined up with Extreme Associates and Evolution Erotica for a new adventure in life. I have seen so much and met so many unique people. There is a book in my head just waiting to be spewed out. From sets to personal life, it has been an amazing ride. I fell in love and imagined a life long partnership. I walked the red carpet at an Awards show. Made some cool movies with creative people. I did the most amazing things with most amazing people in my life. I went through one of the worst spans and depressions in my life. I was judged for things I didn’t do. I have made some really good friends and learned how others can self destruct and hurt themselves and so many truly innocent. I have seen stuff in person that belong to movies like Scarface and Pulp Fiction. And I have seen things that belong in Pee Wee’s Playhouse as well.

Some of my now close friends are in this business, these people respect me for who I am and how I do things. They push me and give me the drive. Recently having them crossover into my other life as a filmmaker. It’s a wonderful feeling when both worlds collide in as positive way as imaginable. I have spent many a nights talking to these friends, some are current co-workers others former and some just from other places. But the genuine conversations and feelings are all real. My friends in adult are some of the most emotional and best people I know, understanding and supportive. Why wouldn’t they be, they get judged on a daily basis by the world and by their own in the business.

Three years later my convictions are even stronger when it comes to respect towards people, especially women … I am still clean and sober only tempted a few times and as always never falling into it. Yes I was tested and so were my ways of dealing with people … trust me being “good” or a “friend” sometimes can be a self destructive position. But damn if I would change that. I rather know that i did what I could or treated someone properly whether they deserved it or not then stoop down just to make a point or make myself feel important.
I thank all the wonderful people in my life who stood by me and helped me through this 3 year journey, especially the last few months. We all know that through hard times true friends come out, I consider myself one and have seen how many people really care. So many of them are here reading anonymously and I thank you. And all of you who take the time to read and comment, you don’t understand how much it means to me.

Fuck, I am some hairy, overweight, smutpeddler with a heart … who once was called a loser for caring. Why read my blog? But many of you I do consider close to me; because my journal is not full of fluff and overly joyed BS stories, “how life is great” or “how happy I am”. It’s how I feel and how I act, it’s all here for all to read. So thank you for taking the time to read this because I am no one special in the big picture but the few minutes you dedicate to my rants is very much appreciated.

Thank you

BTW, here is a link to my first ever on set report, very funny “ROOKIE’S FIRST DAY”