Crystal Climax Purple (Reviewed by Savana Switzer)

Overall Rating: A+

Type of Toy: Vibrator

Bottom Line: A necessary accessory to any girl’s toy box.

Price: $28.99 at PEXXX

Manufacturer: Golden Triangle

Size: 8 1/2″ long (4 1/2″ insertable) and 4″ circumference

Material: Plastic

Best For: Vaginal stimulation

Review:

Let’s get the important information out of the way. I, Savana Switzer, wonton Sex Goddess, am officially single, and not surprisingly, sexually frustrated. No, really, it’s true; for reasons not totally of my understanding, I have found myself back on the market, but no real takers (come on, men, aren’t any of you located in Kansas City?) leaving me as sexually frustrated as a sailor on shore leave. So what’s a girl to do to mend her recently-broken heart?

Some of my girlfriends rent “Dirty Dancing,” listen to Toni Braxton endlessly, and gain 15 pounds eating out of Hagen Daas containers. The truth is, I hate chick flicks, Metallica is perpetually circulating through my stereo and the only Daas I’m interested in eating out is Megan Daas, the cute blonde (and dead-ringer for Jenna Haze) who sat in front of me junior year in Algebra. I spent many hours tuning out Mrs. Toneva’s lectures on mathematical functions that I knew would never help me and imagined how much more effectively I could learn if sex were somehow incorporated.

If Megan and I consume three beers each per hour over the course of seven hours, and make out four times in the course of that evening, what is the ratio of rampant lesbian sex action to beers consumed?

Needless to say, as a victim of the Kansas public school system, even in math class, the educational policy towards sex was strictly abstinence-only, so the closest I got to making out with Megan in class was asking her how she felt about problem 69 (ha ha).

And I wouldn’t count on that fantasy coming to fruition any time soon, given that I haven’t seen her since graduation (and I have no interest in trying to track her down courtesy of lame networking sites like Facebook and Classmates) I’ll just settle for my memories—err, fantasies—to get me over the stinging rejection I’ve experienced.

In this case, I had high expectations for the Crystal, a dead-ringer for the Penthouse Jackrabbit, a toy that began my somewhat masochistic love of long, thick toys, specifically if they’re sporting the clit-pleasuring rabbit. So loyal a rabbit customer am I that I actually have pitched them effortlessly to my friends, who see me as some kind of Sex Toy Guru, and haven’t heard a complaint from any of them yet.

Needless to say, I’ll be adding the Crystal to my list of faithful toys that will never leave my toy box.

As is becoming typical of Rabbits, the Crystal sports the must-haves: super-soft micro ticklers, crystal pleasure beads, and an easy-to-use push button control that allows for a moderate amount of speed (for those vanilla types who love slow and sensual) to the masochistic love-drive of very fast. Not surprisingly, I have no intention to ever take the Crystal off of anything but the highest setting, which is made all the more delicious by the dually-rotating shaft that constricts, propels and thrusts the pleasure beads for especially erotic pressure.

Also particularly enjoyable is the shape of the head, which feels a little more realistic than a lot of sex toys. To many of my readers, this may sound surprising, since my reviews frequently chronicle my passionate encounters with other women, but to be honest, kissing and playing with girls is simply a perk of this little side business. At the end of the day, I prefer sleeping with a man for two reasons: one, I get off on giving oral sex almost as much as having sex itself (I think ‘Deep Throat’ was written with me in mind—either that, or I really just like bragging about how I have no gag reflex) and two, I love hard, fast penetration. So the structure of the head is critical to my over-all pleasure, at least in regards to vaginal stimulation.

I’m rather pleased with the orgasm that the Crystal delivered—nothing earth-shattering, but I at least felt satisfied, which is frequently a complaint that I have about sexual encounters with another person. Generally, while I’m rearing to go for Round Two, my partner has nodded off to sleep, and I’m stuck finishing myself off anyway. At least with the involvement of the Crystal, I won’t have to stew in my annoyance and dissatisfaction. I can get my three or four orgasms in a night and move on.

Weaknesses: None.

Batteries Needed: 4 AAA (Not Included)

Clean Up: Soap & Water.

For more sex toys, visit: For more sex toys, visit: