Cock Soccer Pisses off PETA

Those Crazy Chinese

This is a story that is just too good to be true. It offers material for so many things I hate, soccer, poultry puns, PETA, the Chinese (Kidding on that last one, come on). Apparently “Cock Soccer” (Not, as one might expect, the title of the latest Mike Ramone movie) has become something of a fad in China with organized tournaments featuring feathered players, official rules and of course the requisite ‘sports’ betting.

I have an unconfirmed and totally fabricated tip that at this very moment senators McCain and Reid are calling for Senate hearings into the use of performance enhancing drugs in cock soccer and Sen. Hatch has is already looking into the legalities of the newly formed PCS (Poultry Championship Series.)

Apparently this is what you get when you have a nation without freedom, liberty, easily accessible porn on the internet and other things we take for granted. Can you imagine not being sent into an intellectual coma by TMZ, 24-hour Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan and Lady Gaga updates and those awesome kids from Jersey Shore? The horror.
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The story should just be a silly little sidebar, nothing more than a funny video you send to your friends when you should be working, or more likely looking for a job. As usual the stark raving nutters at PETA have turned an absolute nothing into an outrageous crime against the animal community and thankfully given us a perfect opportunity to openly mock them for their incredible douchebaggery.

By all reports, the roosters aren’t playing “death soccer.” They don’t have razor blades taped to their wings. The losing team is not BBQ’d in the Andes mountains by the winning side. Hell they aren’t even running around sucker punching one another in the nuts like ‘real’ soccer players. Though wouldn’t it be fun to see a rooster fake an injury just to run the clock out? Can you imagine a big Jersey Giant rolling around holding his leg after tripping over the sideline?

These chickens are just out there having fun and that has PETA’s panties all in a bunch. God forbid anyone or anything should enjoy life. That would be against the PETA charter apparently.

PETA’s Head Nutter in Charge of Utter Insanity and Fascist Power Grabs Over Our Personal Lives President Ingrid Newkirk is once again stealing headlines by getting all up in arms over cock soccer. Never mind the complete lack of political and personal freedom, the apartheid system in Tibet, and mass executions of political dissidents. Who cares about such small things when you have CHICKENS PLAYING SOCCER!!!!!

Ingrid has good reason for ignoring piles of human rights violations in order to attack this rapidly growing and clearly dangerous sport. She backs up her position with this gem.
“If roosters are placed together in close proximity with no chance of withdrawing, their natural urge is to fight. That urge is what is likely being exploited when a ball is placed near them — they kick while letting off steam and hit the ball after becoming agitated.”

The organization goes on to note that chickens are as bright if not brighter than cats and dogs. Yeah, but they taste SO much better. (Though perhaps a dog as food joke in a story about China is not entirely appropriate.)

So basically because roosters are innately likely to fight if put close together, they shouldn’t be allowed to play soccer? What’s next Ingrid? No monkey “poo toss” in the Olympics? No synchronized cat strutting? No Dogs Playing Poker?

It’s not enough that you want us to not eat these delicious creatures, now you want to prevent them from having a good game of football now and then?

Leave it Ingrid and PETA-fascists to bleed every ounce of fun, flavor and frivolity out of human/animal relations.

Thanks a lot.


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