Married With Hormones
www.Vivid.com
OVERALL RATING: 6
MOVIE TYPE: Feature
86 Mins.
Fresh Video
DIRECTOR: Orgy Georgie & Mad Dad Dan
THEMES: Comedy, Sluts,
CONDOMS: None
1991
2/91
STARS: Nikki Wylde, Bionca, Randy West, Tom Byron, Heather Hart, Mercedes, KC, Sebastian,
REVIEW-
Looking back on the early 90’s there wasn’t a show on television more rips for porn parody than “Married with Children.” The sexual innuendo and Christina Applegate’s fantastic wardrobe made the show wonderful eye candy. Everyone on the show was so horny and young Kelly Bundy may be the most famous slut in all of prime time. Low budget porn features from that time often took inspiration from mainstream and I am only shocked that we didn’t see a flood of MWC flicks. The producers of this movie made some very good casting decisions. They chose Randy West and Bionca to play the parents in this over-sexed family. Both of them can handle dialog and are good with comedy. We also get the woman who was perfect the perfect Kelly Bundy, Nikki Wylde. The busty blonde looked like a California dream-queen and had the dumb-bunny thing down perfectly. I don’t know what ever happened to Nikki, but I’m sure I will wonder aloud where she might be several times in the next hour and a half.
Hal Undy (Randy West) comes home to find his nagging wife Meg (Bionca), his daughter Nellie (Nikki Wylde) and her friends on the couch. (Tom Byron plays the son.) Hal tells the family that he has invested their entire savings in a chain of shoe stores. The dialog is pretty funny and delivered in classic sit-com style. I won’t say that it’s brilliant acting, but you will certainly get a few laughs. (Mainly because the actors can’t seem to remember the other character’s names.) Everything goes horribly wrong for Hal and his family leaves him alone on the couch with his shame. Somehow he ends up watching an exercise program and drifts off to sleep. Nikki, Mercedes and Heather Hart are the work-out girls. (Yeah, Nikki is his daughter, but she calls him Hal so I guess it’s supposed to be OK.) As the three girls gets it on we don’t really get to see much. The scene is horribly lit with a strong pink coloring and everything is out of focus. As much fun as it might to see Nikki getting it on with her friends, this is just horrible stuff. (Not out of character for low end video features of the early 90’s.) It just amazes me that something this horrible looking every made it into the final cut of a movie. I guess there is some kink for those of you who like the idea of Nellie teasing her dad as she goes down on her young friends. Like much of the humor though, this one works accidentally.
When the Pizza Twins (Sebastian and Biff Malibu) show up, Hal has no money to pay the guys. He snatches the pies and runs upstairs. His wife follows, but orders Nellie to pay the boys. She bounces over to the door in her little pink dress and drops right to her knees. This is hot action no matter what, but if you ever watched MWC then I know you always wanted to see Kelly Bundy do just such a thing. Nikki does her best, but the scene isn’t shot the way it should be until they move to the couch. Now Biff (Anabolic’s Chris Alexander) gets to lick her sweet pussy while Sebastian (Nikki’s boyfriend or husband I forget which) feasts on her big tits. There is still a slight pink look to the scene, but any time we get to see Nikki sucking cock and licking balls like this, it’s a treat. The pizza guys tag each other and swap places. With her man pounding away from behind, Nikki really works hard on the other cock, swallowing every inch and proving that she was a highly under-rated starlet. After being slammed raw, she takes one load on her pussy and another right on her pretty face. Not a great scene by today’s standards, but some heat anyway.
Since Hal can’t get anyone in his family to help out, he leaves them on their own. Can they survive? Meg calls a plumber (Played by Sebastian again) and sets up a special way to pay for his services. Bionca really is a perfect Mrs. Undy and plays her part well as the young guy slides between her legs to lick pussy. Though she was never my favorite performer, she is really good with her mouth and manages to out-do her daughter in terms of deep sucking. He hangs her head over the edge and fucks that throat for a bit as Bionca shows that older women know what they’re doing. For those of you who think that Bionca as Nikki’s mom is absurd, remember that in the same era, Alexandra Quinn once played Jeanna Fine’s mom. The funny thing about that? Alex was 17 at the time. Bionca is great at playing the horny housewife her, begging the young man to fuck her deeper and putting together a pretty nice scene. She squats over him and shows off her nice little ass. It gets fingered a bit, but never fucked as he flips her onto her back and shoots a load all over her tits. Bionca won’t stop until she has taken care of every last drop.
Dud finds a way to make some extra cash by charging his friends to watch sex tapes of his sister. To make things even more perverse, he uses that cash to convince her friends, Heather and Mercedes to give him a ride on their flesh train. I was never all that fond of Mercedes, but Heather is worth watching any time she gets near a hard dick. The girls take turns sucking on Tom’s cock and both of them do a decent job. This scene is a lot better than the girl/girl feature this pair of sluts, but it just can’t measure up to what we’ve seen in the last two scenes. Heather does her best to keep things hot with some good 69, but this three way is pretty average. If you are looking for highlight reel material then hold out of the side by side doggy where Heather starts really talking dirty and Tom slaps her pale ass. The girls double up on him again and jerk his load all over each other.
Hal comes home later and we get a continuation of the horrible lesbian action. There are toys this time but it still looks like we’re watching a movie through pink sunglasses covered with a thick coating of lube. He wakes up from the dream with a hard on when there is a knock on the door. His blonde neighbor, KC Williams is complaining about his wife. When she notices the bulge in Hal’s pants, KC wants some. This pretty girl starts working Randy’s cock and sucks it like she loves it. They always worked together a lot and have good energy with one another. He walks her over to the couch and eats her pussy for a moment or two before sticking his dick into her. KC was never an overwhelmingly enthusiastic fuck and the way the action is shot we see a lot more of Randy’s body than hers. The doggy is a little better and she turns around in time to take his nut on her very pretty face. Not a great scene, but it isn’t horrible either.
This is a great piece of nostalgia and worth a few laughs. Anyone who ever liked MWC will get more out of it than the usual early 90’s feature. The dialog is pretty true to the show and even when the actors fail miserably it’s funny. There are some serious quality issues that I think I covered pretty well. It makes some of the action impossible to watch. Nikki Wylde is the best thing about this movie and her three-way scene is sexy. Watching her service the pizza guys is just fucking awesome. She looks great and even gets that pretty face glazed with a great shot. It’s just too bad that the rest of her scenes are totally worthless. Bionca is pretty good in her role as well and more babes like these two would have been great. I wish I could say this was a great movie, but it is certainly worth a look if only to see a Kelly Bundy character finally do what we always knew she was doing. (And what Christina Applegate probably did to get the role.)
