Blog: April 1
No Joke, Not From Me Anyway
April Fool: It’s been several years since I’ve written an April Fool’s column. I used to have a lot of fun with those, but had to stop when I kept getting emails from readers wondering when the Christy Canyon gang bang for Extreme is coming out or when Seymore Butts is going to release the Traci Lords scene. I still get some condolence emails on the divorce and congratulatory emails about my dating Aurora Snow. (All of these were items from past April 1 columns.) These things bounce around on the web for years and I just figured I’d stop. That didn’t stop a number of other sites from running April 1 stories. Adam & Eve buying Digital Playground? Thank you www.MikeSouth.com. Will Ryder put out a press release stating that his next project will be a 125 million dollar Tom Hanks epic. Very creative guys. Apparently a lot of you are also quite creative. I’ve had a nice little flood of emails. Some are fake press releases, some are ideas for fake press releases and some of them are just emails from famous people. I’ve included some of the best of these. NOTE: I assume that all of the items below are April Fool’s jokes. If any of these are legit emails, please follow up will ya.
Eye Candy: Nothing to joke about here. Lisa All loving it big on www.PornStarsLikeItBig.com. Indeed she does.
April Fools #1: Bob’s Fake Press Release
(Porn Valley) With DVD sales plummeting Exquisite Empire Angel-Alt is pleased to announce their latest smash hit, “Rog’s Pipe-Of-View.” Straight from the most top secret web site known to man comes a collection of scenes from internet porn critic Roger Pipe. Volume One stars Kaitlyn Ashley, Leanni Lei, Jesse Jane, Cherry Mirage, Samantha Style, Shay Jordan and Jessica Darlin. Included in the collector’s editing DVD is the notorious super-secret scene with Aurora Snow. Company owner Isaac Lickenhind is excited about the project. “This is going to be great.” He said. “We know that this series will be a big hit and we have Skeeter Kerkove to thank for it. He is the one who showed us the super secret web site and helped us negotiate a deal with Roger for the complete collection. Without him we never would have found this footage, obtained this series or discovered porn’s next big dick.” Of his role in this titanic event in porn history, Skeeter was characteristically modest. “All I did was walk into Isaac’s office and say ‘man look at this shit. What a huge dick.’ I don’t think he understood what I meant.” Volumes 2-9 are already in the can and the company reports that girls are lining up for the chance to star in future episodes. “It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever had to do.” Said Aurora Snow. “I understand now why so many of the other girls in the movie have left the business. Come to think of it, maybe it was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do.” Pipe was not available for comment. He was believed to be in a caffeine induced coma watching opening day baseball. “Rog’s Pipe-Of-View” is now available at all top secret DVD retailers and hidden websites world wide.
Rog Replies: Ummm thanks Bob. I think.
Eye Candy: In keeping with that last little bit, here is a POV Casting Couch scene with Paulina James. I think I’ll have to cast her in my next imaginary movie.
April Fool’s: Variations on the Same Theme: What people think is funny tends to be universal I guess. I’ll file this next batch under the Mad Lib section of April Fools humor. I have a nice folder of email here suggesting variations on the following theme. “Today (Company Name) announced that they have signed (Star Name/Director Name) to an exclusive contract. (Insert appropriate quote.)” Thank you all for the suggestions. Since I wasn’t going the whole faux news today, here are some of the suggested fake porn signings. Each of these has been suggested more than once and I’ve condensed them using a few of the suggested names and companies.
-The Feature Girl Goes Gonzo Mad Lib: Feature Girl (Jenna, Tera, Carmen, Bree, Jesse etc) has left (Vivid, Wicked, Digital) to sign with gonzo company (Evil Angel, JJV, JM Productions) and is finally ready to go “hard core.”
-The Luke Ford: Mad Lib: Luke Ford has been hired by (AVN, XBiz, XFanz, RogReviews, LukeFord.com, Fox News) as a blogger. He will be writing about (The Joys of Pornography, The Evils of Pornography, His recent conversion to Islam, his love affair with Mary Carey.)
-The Alt-Porn Mad Lib: Hardcore company (Anabolic, Evil Angel, JM Productions) has opened an alt-division to be headed by (Max Hardcore, Thomas Zupko, Gene Ross and “Eon MaKai’s little brother Eon Flux.” I’m pretty sure you spelled that wrong and wouldn’t Eon’s little brother have the same last name, not the same first name?)
-The Celebrity Sex Tape Mad Lib: Man take your pick here. The wish list, Britney Spears, Halle Berry, Lohan, Katie Holmes and of course the train wreck list, Rosie O’Donnell, Hillary Clinton and any of the American Idol contestants.
-The Comeback Mad Lib: Pretty much take any woman who has ever done porn from Jasmin St. Clair to Alisha Klass and come up with a dream movie for their comeback venue. Got about two dozen of these.
-The Skeeter Kerkove Mad Lib: You guys had him signing contracts to work with just about everyone he has gone to war with. You had him shooting for Evil Angel, heading the alt-division at Anabolic, forming a new company with Jim Powers, getting his own line with Jules Jordan Video and even getting a Playboy Radio show with yours truly.
-The Rog has retired Mad Lib. Porn critic Roger Pipe announces his retirement from porn reviewing to pursue a career as (a stand up comic, an animal rights activist, a professional stalker, Aurora Snow’s valet, an English teacher and my favorite, a taco vender.) There was also a variation on this theme where I was said to have left porn in order to accept Ron Paul’s invitation to run as his Vice President in an independent run for the White House. Ummmmm yeah.
Eye Candy: Sorry guys I’m not retiring. I’m still reviewing porn. I actually reviewed this web site and interviewed this girl recently so here you go. Video Gallery of Memphis Monroe on PigTailsRoundAsses.com. Starting to REALLY love this girl.
My Favorite: This suggested April Fool’s press release is probably my favorite. Thanks “Jen.”
(Hollywood, CA) Amid swirling rumors of a possible pregnancy “Ghost Whisperer” star Jennifer Love Hewitt originally denied that she is in fact with child despite media reports suggesting a baby bump. Rumors about Ms. Hewitt began to circulate after she was photographed in a number of loose-fitting dressed during a recent appearance at the Kids’ Choice Awards in Los Angeles. The star’s representative has repeatedly denied the reports, saying over and over “She is not pregnant.” All that changed Tuesday however, with Jennifer spoke herself. “I would like to address certain rumors that have surfaced about my condition. As many of you have noticed I have been dressing more for comfort of late. This has led many of you to question whether or not I’m pregnant. I’m here to confirm that the rumors are true. I am pregnant. The father is Roger T. Pipe, a porn journalist and X-Rated film critic.” The star continues. “We met after I did some vanity searching and found that he liked to compare porn girls to me. We fell in love and were working on my first celebrity sex tape. Everything was going great. The plan was to do a facial, but I got a little carried away, locked my ankles behind his back and it became a cream pie. I have no regrets, but in retrospect perhaps we should have gone with an anal scene. We’ll try that next time, after the baby of course.”
Rog Replies: This one goes in then email hall of fame. Thank you for this. It was worth a million laughs around the house. For the record though I will neither confirm nor deny shooting any such scene with Jennifer Lover Hewitt, nor will I confirm nor deny my role in any pregnancy she may or may not have.
Eye Candy: Next time I allegedly shoot a celebrity sex tape I will follow Jules Jordan’s lead and go for a cum on the face shot like Christie Leigh gets here.
Thanks to everyone who sent in fun emails. I may post some more tomorrow. If you have any thoughts on theses send them over. I’m going to read a few more and enjoy the humor.
