Blog: Are You Fucking Kidding Me?
Things that Make You Go Huh?
OK, I am going to apologize right now. These stories really have very little to do with porn. I’m just sitting here checking headlines and marveling at how each story seems more absurd than the next. There will be eye candy in the middle for those who want to have some smut along with these odd stories that made me wonder.
Eye Candy: Barbie Cummings like them big and black. Yes she does.
Kevin Smith/Traci Lords: This story made the rounds after the San Diego Comic Con. At a panel discussion about his upcoming movie that features porn babe Katie Morgan and former porn babe Traci Lords, the subject of Traci’s past came up. (In case you don’t know, Traci was a huge star who performed in porn while 15.) Smith acted like he didn’t know a thing about the situation and commended that Traci was the “Miley Cyrus of porn.” A lot has been made about how Smith could not know. Come on people. He was DYING to use that line. It’s not even a very good one, but give the guy credit. He found a way to get Traci’s name back in the headlines. After I saw her in that horror flick at the festival last year she should probably consider herself lucky that she got a role in any flick. And if Kevin Smith really didn’t know that the biggest porn star of her era was underage and…..nah I just can’t. It’s too fucking ridiculous to even continue.
Eye Candy: Sometimes Miss Right just wants a big black cock. And Jessica Right needs a few of them.
There Goes the Neighborhood: It was bound to happen eventually. PBS is cutting Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. I know he’s been gone for a while and the show is so old school that farts like me remember it fondly. I understand the reality of the situation. It’s not 1973. Kids are used to faster paced shows and some of them are even pretty good as educational entertainment. But as the father of two young children I have to say that this is a sad decision. I’ve lived through the Barney phase, the Wiggles phase and even, oh God the pain, the Teletubbies phase. (Tell me that hearing “Time for Tubbie-Bye-Bye doesn’t make you want to grab the nearest AK-47 and go shoot something up just to make the echoing voices stop.) Now we’re in a 24/7 Spongebob phase and while I have actually found it to be rather clever writing there really isn’t much that anyone would consider to be educational. So yeah, PBS has decided to pull the “Neighborhood” from the airwaves. Those of us who enjoyed Mr. Rogers’ kind manner, gentle wisdom and comfortable sweater will miss him forever. Then again thanks to his encouragement we always have the land of Make Believe to envision a world where kindly people teach our children rather than talking dinosaurs or sarcastic sea creatures.
Eye Candy: I doubt Mr. Rogers would approve, but Candy Monroe likes to make her husband watch while she takes big black cock.
Clay Aiken Is a Dad: American Idol’s most famous runner up is known for a lot of thing. His sugary-sweet voice, his made-for Broadway personality, his creepy man crush on Barry Manilow and the most dubious sexuality this side of Richard Simmons to name a few. One thing you don’t think of right away when you get a look at Clay is, “hey, that dude would be one hell of a dad.” Well that’s just what he is now. Apparently Clay used artificial insemination to get record producer Jaymes Foster. (Jaymes is a woman folks, honest.) All joking, snickering and eye rolling aside, the newborn son is said to be healthy and that’s really all that matters, right?
Eye Candy: Perhaps the whole thing went down like this Glory Hole encounter starring Gianna Michaels. That way Clay wouldn’t know where he was sticking it.
Dude, No. Seriously.: File this one under painfully bad choice of attire by a creepy pedo scumbag. A 33 year old Michigan man pled guilty to “sex abuse” after he used the internet to set up a sexual liaison with a person he believed was a 14 year old girl. What makes the story worth noting in this column? Dude showed up for the meet and meat wearing a “World’s Greatest Dad” T-Shirt. Yeah I’m thinking maybe…maybe not so much.
Eye Candy: Black women love Glory Holes too. As Lacey Duvall proves in this hot gallery.
Bad Slogan, Bad Bad Slogan: Sometimes slogans are great. “Mmm Mmm Good”, “We’ll Leave the Light on for You” and “Milk, It Does a Body Good” all stick with us. Then again sometimes these clever little turns of phrase backfire. Best example? Greyhound recently unveiled a series of posters and ads designed to remind people who peaceful and relaxing a bus ride can be. The posters read “There’s a reason you’ve never heard of bus rage.” Pretty damn clever if you ask me. If ever there was an upside to traveling long distances in the back of metal boxes with complete strangers who may or may not be escaped convicts it is that you don’t have to worry about getting flustered in traffic. The trouble? The people at Greyhound decided to the pull the ads after a Chinese passenger on a Western Canada route went completely Hannibal Lecter on his seatmate. The guy stabbed and beheaded the guy next to him, ate his flesh, pocketed the nose and ears and then taunted police with the severed head. Yes this is all bad and thanks to those witty slogans we already know what to call it. “Bus Rage” Thank you ad execs of the world….but wait there is more to this story below the porn.
Eye Candy: Delilah Strong takes on two on MonstersOfCock.com
There’s More: While the people at Greyhound realize that this is a bad situation and something that could be seen as distasteful should be removed, the insane fucknuts at PETA used the murder as a chance to once again show the world what incredibly useless douchebags they really are. Yes folks the same people who saw fit to compare fried chicken chains to the bloody Holocaust now see fit to run an ad comparing the murder of Tim McLean on that bus to eating meat. PETAs Lindsay Rajt spoke these charming words “If this ad leaves a bad taste in people’s mouths, we just hope they will give a thought to what sensitive animals think and feel when they come to the end of their frightening journey.” Thanks Lindsay. Perhaps if Mr. Li had been sitting next to you on that bus the world would have one less delusional asshole to worry about today. Wait I’m sorry. Did that leave a bad taste in anyone’s mouth? (Be thankful I didn’t wonder out loud if perhaps the bad taste was left in Mr. Li’s mouth.)
Eye Candy: I don’t know if Katie Thomas actually eats meat, but she and big sister Spring sure know how to suck a big black tubesteak. come to think of it, wouldn’t PETA be opposed to chicks swallowing cum? Yet another reason to hate those pasty, smarmy fucks.
Cheerleaders in an Elevator: No this is not the title of a new David Ellis movie starring Samuel Jackson. (Though you may feel free to insert your own snake joke here.) It comes to us from Texas where 26 girls will have a cheerleader camp story to tell their grandkids about. (One that doesn’t involve Jello-O shots, exploration and a shameful secret.) Girls at the camp were attempting to see how many cheerleaders they could stuff into an elevator. 25 is apparently the correct answer because with 26 of them inside, the elevator broke. It took repairmen nearly an hour to pry open the doors (and a lifetime to get over the shameful thoughts in their heads as they pulled the sweaty trembling girls from inside.) At least no one got pregnant. (Where is Clay Aiken when you need him.)
Eye Candy: Perhaps some of the girls inside shared a moment just like Ruth Blackwell and Rebeca Linares share this big black dick.
The Horror, The Horror: I don’t know whether to laugh about this or cry. It’s been a year since Chico Wang left us. Regardless of how you feel about that situation, seeing that his old foil The Minion, has his own web site (www.TheMinion.com) and it’s just as fucked up as you remember. It’s one thing to think that Chico’s legacy will be drugs, murder and launching this guy’s career, but to see that he fucked hotties like Faith, Kacey and Lucy Thai is just too much. I definitely picked the wrong career.
Eye Candy: Perhaps I should have just become a writer on the staff of WifeWriting.com so that I could scrawl fucked up shit all over Nautica Thorn’s body. Or I could have gone into something much more creative like the following.
Tera Patrick Interview: Did any of you happen to catch Tera Patrick’s Interview in Black Book Magazine? In it Tera says, among other things that she is “…the only one with a mainstream presence.”, adds “I’m not bleached blonde with silicon and fake lips. I have a good look. I look like a fashion model.” and “I got laid that day, I’m still getting laid today, and I have millions of dollars. It’s a good feeling.”. I don’t know, there is a lot here. Read for yourself. What I don’t see in the notes is where the writer and Tera were when they spoke. Was it in person, perhaps on the phone or was this maybe an email interview?
Eye Candy: Hey look, cheerleaders. Spring Thomas and Extreme Holly see how many black cocks can fit into two sluts’ pussies.
